apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
