I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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