First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
