so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize