My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
