My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
