My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, beer. Big fan.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
