i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
