I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
