she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
