My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
