How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
