Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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