So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
