You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
