He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize