And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
