My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i have two assholes
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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