I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
