her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
