saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
