Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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