Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
