Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
