I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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