I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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