I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
