I have demons in me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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