I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
