Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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