there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
