put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
