just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
