seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
