your parents love me but you hate me
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
