I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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