I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
