If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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