you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
