Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
