Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You smell like stripper and shame
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
