And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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