just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I AM VODKA MAN
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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