My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
