It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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