I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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