I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Drake has all the answers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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