ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
