I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
