I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
