The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He has the fingertips of a God
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