a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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