there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
