the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
