Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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