Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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